I'm stuck. I can make a million excuses as to why I am stuck but they will in the end be excuses and not the reason.
I'm terrified. I am terrified to stir up old feelings and to change things that have made me feel safe for 13 years. I know you are curious why.
I'm broken... I can't think of doing anything on my own interacting with people other than my friends and family.
I'm broken but I am trying to fix thing.
I need tape and glue. A whole lot of glue!
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Who are you?
How many of us know who we are?
As a baby you are solely dependent on your parents for every want and need. Some believe a child is born with its own personality and some believe we are a blank canvas. Even many religions do not believe an innocent child can seek a path to heaven without a baptism to cleanse their soul.
There are many theory's on how a person's develops their sense of self. Freud believed in three stages; Id, Ego and Superego.
The first of the three is Id. Freud believed this to be the base of all personality development. The Id identity is a primitive one of instinct of survival and pleasure. A personality that one is born with. It seeks immediate gratification and when it is not met one is full of anxiety and anguish.
From Id one's ego is developed. This part of the personality controls one's impulse for the need of instant gratification. This part of the personality keeps the Id from acting out inappropriately. It sometimes even finds a replacement for the want if the original want is not appropriate.
From Ego is Superego. This is the part of the personality that develops a conscience and morals. This is where one is lost in my opinion. At this point in your life you develop your values and morals. But "you" don't actually develop them you learn them from another. Your parents and society tells you what your morals and values should be. This is why many behaviors are a "vicious circle" of many traits that are passed down from elder to young.
How many actually break this circle?It is only in recent history people are being conditioned to be independent and unique. Someone sticking out because they were different was shunned upon.
And even if you have, how do you now define yourself? I am a mother of four and a wife. I became a mother at a young age. When I was suppose to be developing my own ego and shaping my parent's morals into my own, I was raising a child. I missed a few milestones somewhere. And if you go even further back my childhood was restricted greatly by a domineering religion. One should grow up with not only their parent's, family, and society. But if you are raised in a restricted environment you lose part of the world that is made to shape you. You are raised to be close minded and judgemental. "You are not like me so you are not a good person" or "I must save you so you do not live a life of sin." Separated from the rest of the world that does not share your own beliefs and values.
But what happens when in a prime developing stage the restrictiveness is gone. It is like a spring that has been held tight. When it is finally released it hurdles in wild ways with no form of direction or reason.
So here I am. I have wonderful children which I hold dear and I lack of no love. But I don't know who I am. I rarely do anything alone. I am most comfortable with my husband by my side or hiding behind my children. Take either away and I am lost and feel an anxiety like no other. I do not know how to behave or speak. Every action I take or word I speak I second guess. Did I come across wrong? Am I going to make someone upset?
I always seem to be a confident person. Someone who knows what she is doing and is free from the judgement of other. This is what I would like to be. Instead there is an internal battle in me. I show forth a strong independent woman. Someone everyone likes and comes to with their problems for reassuring love and advice. When in all reality it is a facade. I am lost within myself. I became a mother before I developed my own identity my own Superego. My identity is my husband and children.
So really, I don't know who I am. Do you?
As a baby you are solely dependent on your parents for every want and need. Some believe a child is born with its own personality and some believe we are a blank canvas. Even many religions do not believe an innocent child can seek a path to heaven without a baptism to cleanse their soul.
There are many theory's on how a person's develops their sense of self. Freud believed in three stages; Id, Ego and Superego.
The first of the three is Id. Freud believed this to be the base of all personality development. The Id identity is a primitive one of instinct of survival and pleasure. A personality that one is born with. It seeks immediate gratification and when it is not met one is full of anxiety and anguish.
From Id one's ego is developed. This part of the personality controls one's impulse for the need of instant gratification. This part of the personality keeps the Id from acting out inappropriately. It sometimes even finds a replacement for the want if the original want is not appropriate.
From Ego is Superego. This is the part of the personality that develops a conscience and morals. This is where one is lost in my opinion. At this point in your life you develop your values and morals. But "you" don't actually develop them you learn them from another. Your parents and society tells you what your morals and values should be. This is why many behaviors are a "vicious circle" of many traits that are passed down from elder to young.
How many actually break this circle?It is only in recent history people are being conditioned to be independent and unique. Someone sticking out because they were different was shunned upon.
And even if you have, how do you now define yourself? I am a mother of four and a wife. I became a mother at a young age. When I was suppose to be developing my own ego and shaping my parent's morals into my own, I was raising a child. I missed a few milestones somewhere. And if you go even further back my childhood was restricted greatly by a domineering religion. One should grow up with not only their parent's, family, and society. But if you are raised in a restricted environment you lose part of the world that is made to shape you. You are raised to be close minded and judgemental. "You are not like me so you are not a good person" or "I must save you so you do not live a life of sin." Separated from the rest of the world that does not share your own beliefs and values.
But what happens when in a prime developing stage the restrictiveness is gone. It is like a spring that has been held tight. When it is finally released it hurdles in wild ways with no form of direction or reason.
So here I am. I have wonderful children which I hold dear and I lack of no love. But I don't know who I am. I rarely do anything alone. I am most comfortable with my husband by my side or hiding behind my children. Take either away and I am lost and feel an anxiety like no other. I do not know how to behave or speak. Every action I take or word I speak I second guess. Did I come across wrong? Am I going to make someone upset?
I always seem to be a confident person. Someone who knows what she is doing and is free from the judgement of other. This is what I would like to be. Instead there is an internal battle in me. I show forth a strong independent woman. Someone everyone likes and comes to with their problems for reassuring love and advice. When in all reality it is a facade. I am lost within myself. I became a mother before I developed my own identity my own Superego. My identity is my husband and children.
So really, I don't know who I am. Do you?
When did the fear start?
" I never used to be afraid of the dark. Come to think of it I wasn't really afraid of anything until..." Her voice trails off. She is once again at her weekly shrink appointment.
"Until what?" Dr. J said.
She had a way of putting Annabelle at such ease. Just the infliction of her voice or the genuine expression of compassion that comes to her face when Annabelle mentions something particularly painful.
" Until I sneaked out one night. I was such a dumb teenager. I was suppose to meet up with a guy I had been seeing." The tears are already beginning to well up in her eyes. She quickly wipes them away with her sleeves. " Well, I jumped in his car so very excited and we started to drive away. I was astonished to realize there was another guy in the back seat."
At the completion of Annabelle's last statement it was obvious Dr. J was bracing for the rest of the story. Not because she has not heard this type of story before but because she knew it was painful for Annabelle to come to terms with her past and talking about it was even more difficult for her.
Annabelle continued, "The guy I was planning on meeting drove us out to one of the back streets and we pulled up a drive way. I couldn't tell if it was a drive way to a house or to just a piece of land. He had me sit 'in the middle of the front seat as his friend came to the front with us. At this point my heart was about to explode. I was scared. More frightened than I had ever been in my entire life. I couldn't predict their actions but I knew their intentions were no good."
The tears begin to fall slowly from Annabelle's eyes. Sobbing was slowly approaching, she takes a deep breath to control her emotions. She had been hiding these events for so long but could not hold back the emotions any longer. Dr. J offers her some tissue and encourages her to continue and release her anguish.
" He started to speak to me in such a sweet convincing tone. He said, "Annabelle this is my friend he just got out of jail. He was in for the last two years and he really needs some.""
" At this point my fear become horror. I didn't want to give anything to this "friend". I didn't know him. I didn't want to know him. And I was terrified that he was newly released from jail."
Annabelle takes a deep breath. Her hands full of uncontrollable tremors. She feels a rock in her throat as in her chest it feels like an empty hollow heart is pounding. " I looked out of the car and everything was pitch black. I couldn't tell which direction would lead me home. He asked over and over we were there for 30 minutes. He continued to sweet talk and convince me and I continued to deny his request."
She took her feet from the floor and tucked them under her in the chair. She wanted to crawl deep inside a hole and die. Death, she thought, could not hurt as badly as this did.
"He got so fed up with me he finally began getting angry and mean. You could hear it in his voice and he grabbed a cigarette light, "Look I am not taking you home until you make both of us happy!" I had my feet up on the dashboard and my jeans were fringed. He lit them on fire. I patted them out quickly and jumped in the back seat. My plan was to go out the back and try to get home but as I opened the door his friend was there waiting. He loomed over me and I crawled backwards. He took my pants and panties off swiftly as if he had done this to me many times before. He was inside of me before I really knew what was going on. I started to cry and he pushed my face away. I guess so he didn't have to see it. From the front seat I could hear the guy say,”Nothing inside of her, we don't need that hassle”. I couldn't believe my ears. He was speaking as if I wasn't even human.”
Annabelle takes a deep breath and tries to steady her breathing before continuing. “ The worse part is that when the friend was done and left without a word. The guy I had sneaked out to see climbed in the back seat. He stroked my face and whispered in my ear, “I'd take you now as well, but your dirty from him. I'll take my turn next time.” With that he got in the driver's seat and drove me home. I climbed into my bed and cried myself to sleep that night. And the next day I went on like nothing ever happened. As an adult I barely think about it. That was until I was sitting on the couch the other day and it was as if he was there with me and whispered in my ear again.”
Dr. J. gives Annabelle the look of compassion that always puts Annabelle at ease. “ Did you ever tell anybody what happened?”
Annabelle's tears were flowing freely at this point but she cannot stand to look her doctor in the face. “No, I always figured it was my fault for making dumb decisions. I was a stupid teenager. That is all there is to it.”
“ I cannot take the pain away Annabelle. The only thing I can do is listen and validate your pain.” Dr. J says in a hushed gentle voice. “And tell you it was not your fault.”
Annabelle takes a deep breath and swallows hard. She is able to talk to look at her doctor now, “ You can say that but, I'm still afraid of being alone and the dark.”
"Until what?" Dr. J said.
She had a way of putting Annabelle at such ease. Just the infliction of her voice or the genuine expression of compassion that comes to her face when Annabelle mentions something particularly painful.
" Until I sneaked out one night. I was such a dumb teenager. I was suppose to meet up with a guy I had been seeing." The tears are already beginning to well up in her eyes. She quickly wipes them away with her sleeves. " Well, I jumped in his car so very excited and we started to drive away. I was astonished to realize there was another guy in the back seat."
At the completion of Annabelle's last statement it was obvious Dr. J was bracing for the rest of the story. Not because she has not heard this type of story before but because she knew it was painful for Annabelle to come to terms with her past and talking about it was even more difficult for her.
Annabelle continued, "The guy I was planning on meeting drove us out to one of the back streets and we pulled up a drive way. I couldn't tell if it was a drive way to a house or to just a piece of land. He had me sit 'in the middle of the front seat as his friend came to the front with us. At this point my heart was about to explode. I was scared. More frightened than I had ever been in my entire life. I couldn't predict their actions but I knew their intentions were no good."
The tears begin to fall slowly from Annabelle's eyes. Sobbing was slowly approaching, she takes a deep breath to control her emotions. She had been hiding these events for so long but could not hold back the emotions any longer. Dr. J offers her some tissue and encourages her to continue and release her anguish.
" He started to speak to me in such a sweet convincing tone. He said, "Annabelle this is my friend he just got out of jail. He was in for the last two years and he really needs some.""
" At this point my fear become horror. I didn't want to give anything to this "friend". I didn't know him. I didn't want to know him. And I was terrified that he was newly released from jail."
Annabelle takes a deep breath. Her hands full of uncontrollable tremors. She feels a rock in her throat as in her chest it feels like an empty hollow heart is pounding. " I looked out of the car and everything was pitch black. I couldn't tell which direction would lead me home. He asked over and over we were there for 30 minutes. He continued to sweet talk and convince me and I continued to deny his request."
She took her feet from the floor and tucked them under her in the chair. She wanted to crawl deep inside a hole and die. Death, she thought, could not hurt as badly as this did.
"He got so fed up with me he finally began getting angry and mean. You could hear it in his voice and he grabbed a cigarette light, "Look I am not taking you home until you make both of us happy!" I had my feet up on the dashboard and my jeans were fringed. He lit them on fire. I patted them out quickly and jumped in the back seat. My plan was to go out the back and try to get home but as I opened the door his friend was there waiting. He loomed over me and I crawled backwards. He took my pants and panties off swiftly as if he had done this to me many times before. He was inside of me before I really knew what was going on. I started to cry and he pushed my face away. I guess so he didn't have to see it. From the front seat I could hear the guy say,”Nothing inside of her, we don't need that hassle”. I couldn't believe my ears. He was speaking as if I wasn't even human.”
Annabelle takes a deep breath and tries to steady her breathing before continuing. “ The worse part is that when the friend was done and left without a word. The guy I had sneaked out to see climbed in the back seat. He stroked my face and whispered in my ear, “I'd take you now as well, but your dirty from him. I'll take my turn next time.” With that he got in the driver's seat and drove me home. I climbed into my bed and cried myself to sleep that night. And the next day I went on like nothing ever happened. As an adult I barely think about it. That was until I was sitting on the couch the other day and it was as if he was there with me and whispered in my ear again.”
Dr. J. gives Annabelle the look of compassion that always puts Annabelle at ease. “ Did you ever tell anybody what happened?”
Annabelle's tears were flowing freely at this point but she cannot stand to look her doctor in the face. “No, I always figured it was my fault for making dumb decisions. I was a stupid teenager. That is all there is to it.”
“ I cannot take the pain away Annabelle. The only thing I can do is listen and validate your pain.” Dr. J says in a hushed gentle voice. “And tell you it was not your fault.”
Annabelle takes a deep breath and swallows hard. She is able to talk to look at her doctor now, “ You can say that but, I'm still afraid of being alone and the dark.”
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Nightmares
I was not in the mood to even get out of bed today.
The dreams from last night were still too fresh in my head to be able to actually deal with being awake. The shadows continue to chase me to no extent. There is nowhere to hide and you can never run fast enough. The only way to escape their icy grip is to wake up. Unfortunately, I don't always wake up before they get me.
I am always alone in the shadow dreams and the shadow dreams are the worse. I always start off being lost. I am looking around everywhere but nothing seems familiar. I am a tourist in a foreign land with a foreign language and I forgot my translation book.
I feel something behind me. I look but there is nothing there. The hair on the back of my neck stand up and the goosebumps start. It is like a prey knowing a predator is stalking it. Its life dependant upon its instincts! One wrong turn and you are someone's next treat. At that point I always start to run. But where do you run when you have no clue where you are in the first place.
This is the point when I start to sweat. That cold clammy sweat, you're freezing, your heart is pounding in your chest. The anxiety is so bad you can't stand to be in your own skin. All of this from an unknown fear a shadow behind you.
Then I am stuck. There is no where else to go. The shadow is rushing upon me. It surrounds me and sucks the breath from my lips. I try to scream but it has taken that as well. My lungs burn for air. My eyes crave the light. My soul desires even an inkling of an explanation of this fear. Any strength I had has perished..
That is usually when I wake up. The problem is the anxiety is still there. I loathe the awareness of being in my own skin with a disgusted feeling in my stomach. I am freezing but sweating with my agony. There is this lurking revulsion deep inside that I can neither avoid nor escape. I am incapable of eluding to what is causing these symptoms.
I need a way to escape my nightmares....
The dreams from last night were still too fresh in my head to be able to actually deal with being awake. The shadows continue to chase me to no extent. There is nowhere to hide and you can never run fast enough. The only way to escape their icy grip is to wake up. Unfortunately, I don't always wake up before they get me.
I am always alone in the shadow dreams and the shadow dreams are the worse. I always start off being lost. I am looking around everywhere but nothing seems familiar. I am a tourist in a foreign land with a foreign language and I forgot my translation book.
I feel something behind me. I look but there is nothing there. The hair on the back of my neck stand up and the goosebumps start. It is like a prey knowing a predator is stalking it. Its life dependant upon its instincts! One wrong turn and you are someone's next treat. At that point I always start to run. But where do you run when you have no clue where you are in the first place.
This is the point when I start to sweat. That cold clammy sweat, you're freezing, your heart is pounding in your chest. The anxiety is so bad you can't stand to be in your own skin. All of this from an unknown fear a shadow behind you.
Then I am stuck. There is no where else to go. The shadow is rushing upon me. It surrounds me and sucks the breath from my lips. I try to scream but it has taken that as well. My lungs burn for air. My eyes crave the light. My soul desires even an inkling of an explanation of this fear. Any strength I had has perished..
That is usually when I wake up. The problem is the anxiety is still there. I loathe the awareness of being in my own skin with a disgusted feeling in my stomach. I am freezing but sweating with my agony. There is this lurking revulsion deep inside that I can neither avoid nor escape. I am incapable of eluding to what is causing these symptoms.
I need a way to escape my nightmares....
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